Diabetes Blog Week Day 3 and 4

Totally having one of those weeks over here, so I'm combining day 3 and day 4 into one post. 

So for day 3, we were supposed to talk about "the blame game." For this one, one insanely terrible endo appointment comes to mind. I was in college, so understandably NOT at the top of my T1D game. Actually, it was probably at it's worst. I was overweight. I was working out (because I always have to because I'm crazy), but I was eating too much of "good things," like 4 LARABARS in a day (!!) and when I worked out, I would eat as a reward.

So I went to this new endo and she told me that I had kidney failure. And I went home upset and worried, only to find an email from here with my lab results and her saying that I didn't actually have kidney failure, but that I would if I didn't change my routine. I was LIVID. My mom was FURIOUS. There is no fury like a T1D mom for sure, and my mom was about ready to take this woman down. We both settled, but it was not a good day. Needless to say, I did not return to her, and spent another year in a bad T1D space before making some great changes. 

If I could tell her what to say, I would tell her that she should have been more understanding. Were her concerns valid? Clearly I not heading down a good path. I would have liked to be offered some services (nutrition/sports advice). I told her that I didn't sit around and eat a ton of sugar, but that I was eating a lot of the "unhealthy healthy food." When I told her this, she gave me this look like she knew I was lying because I was overweight. I'll never forget it because I've never felt so ashamed of my body or my life. So I would tell her to believe me and help me see that 4 larabars in a day is a ton of fat and sugar, too. I would have her ask me about my mental health and help me make connections about my disordered eating and my feelings about my body (which stem from my type 1 diabetes and my relationship with food). I would tell her to give me a hug and to tell me that I'm not alone and to point to support groups or other patients who might be going through similar times in their life. 

Which brings me to day 4, which is what gets me down about diabetes. These days, everything gets me down, but mostly the unknown about my future because of what I did in my past. Like i said above, I had 4-5 years where things were not good. And I worry A LOT that I did a ton of damage to myself during those years. I'm thankful that I have the technology that can help me keep my A1C close to 6, but I'd like to get pregnant one day, and I'm not sure if I can actually do what needs to be done as a pregnant T1D. In fact, I spent most of my days worrying about how I'm going to be able to live 25 more years with this disease. I worry about the fact that one of my eyes has gotten really dry, my stomach issues, my high spikes at the end of the day, muscle pain, slight indications of nerve damage (or what I think is nerve damage). This disease makes worrying so easy, and it's hard not to worry because so much of my future falls in my hands. 

How do I cope with these issues? Well, I work out. It helps me a lot, even if it causes some spikes. I talk with my husband and with other friends. I reach out to the online community and get support from other T1Ds. It's hard to talk with others who don't GET IT because I feel like I'm asking for their pity or I feel like I'm making them feel badly about my situation (like me talking about a recent T1D death makes them feel scared, which I don't want to do). So I'm still figuring out this part of my T1D journey. Self-help is super important and we have too much to worry about to let EVERY bad low or high or arrow or beep get us down.